So here I am again, returning once again, to talk to myself so that I feel better. You'd think I'd have found a better way to deal with my shit by now huh? Well I haven't. So fuck yourself. Anyways, I'm just going to type whatever comes screaming out of the cold, barren aether and in to my mind.
As difficult as it is to admit to this, I may be in love. It was even difficult for me to type that. I know you couldn't tell, but I sat staring at the screen for a good minute before I finished that sentence. The biggest problem with this, other than the fact that I have never felt this way EVER, is that I know that this won't end well. Not only do I seem incapable of dating girls who are emotionally available and not "rat in a tin shit-house" crazy (I don't think this one is), but I'm only 23 goddamn years old. Twenty-three years is not a long enough amount of time to understand the world I live in or to have enough, varied experiences to make any sort of real judgements. What I mean is that I have always been taught that love is supposed to be forever and that you never tell a person that you love them romantically unless you can see yourself with that person for the rest of your life. While I may be able to see myself with this girl for the rest of my life there are two big problems.
1.) I don't know jack shit about what I am doing with myself.
2.) Even though I know more about this girl than she understands, I know there are things I still have yet to discover.
The first isn't so bad, because only a very lucky few ever really know what they are "meant" for. The second one is just a waiting game I guess. Thinking about it, I left out the third, and biggest, problem of them all; there is another guy. Isn't there always? Too bad this isn't like the movies, where the love interest will realize that the antagonist is actually a raging douche on a stick and that she has loved the protagonist the entire time (this just made me think of the song "Love Like the Movies" by The Avett Brothers, just to let you know). The only similarities here are that the antagonist really is a douche. Too bad he does a real good job masquerading as a nice guy. I even fell for it when I first met him. I'm not quite sure how she doesn't see all the subtle put-downs and the way he "jokingly" kept mocking me to make him look better (sorry that this, all sorts of, makes it look like I am some type of victim; this is my story bitches, I get to play the good guy). A silver lining is that she recently realized that she doesn't want to be controlled by him anymore. Only problem is that they were friends for a long time and she doesn't want to lose that. Which sucks for her kind of because I know (even though I barely know him) that he will never be "just friends" with her. He'll always try to keep her on the bench until he wants her. That is the part that really bothers me. I'll be fine if I can't be with here, but I can not stand the idea of her being strung around like that.
Fuck me. So hard. With all the things.
